What It Means to Know Me

My best friend in TZ recently shared these two verses with me and they have already had a profound effect on my heart as I begin to reflect on my experiences here.

Jeremiah 22:16 

¹⁶ He defended the cause of the poor and needy,
   and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?”
   declares the Lord.

Isaiah 58:10-11

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
   and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The Lord will guide you always;
   he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
   and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like a spring whose waters never fail. 


 L

The Bigger Picture

As I look back on this blog, it doesn't capture even a speck of my life and experiences here in Dar es Salaam. But honestly my goal was to have one post a month and I succeeded, and such a minimal goal was no mistake.

Awhile ago (December, actually), I decided I would post more about my TZ experiences after I got home. I believe this will allow for more honest and thorough stories, and will serve as a great processing device once I am back on the Pacific coast.

It might sound silly, but I believe I will be able to describe and retell the scents, sounds, tastes, feels, images, pain, laughter, struggles, victories better once I am stateside rather than while I am here. You see, long ago most aspects of my life in Tanzania became normal, so it's harder to fully and adequately write about them. It's a challenge to write about everyday things, especially when, once I'm back in California, they will be so much more than everyday things. The life I have created here is invaluable to me, and I want to honor it in a way it deserves. This means writing about it later, not logging it live.

There are three weeks left until I board the plane out of Julius K. Nyerere International Airport. The anticipation of departure weighs heavy on my heart. I force myself to think about what I'm excited about back home, but the first things I came up with are actually quite lame: Shopping. Food. A bigger, comfier bed. Yes, these are nice things, but it just makes me feel so superficial, and dare I say a tad bit like an ugly American.

In an effort to push through such trivialities and gain momentum in my excitement, I've started identifying personal interests I'll want to be disciplined about when I get home: Spending time outdoors daily. Jogging, dancing, bike riding. Walking places and using public transit. Being present with others. Meeting new people. Being more diverse in recreational choices. Pursuing my passion for global development and all the angles it entails.

One regret I have continually struggled with is not being involved with a nonprofit here. My dream job is to work for Camfed and the Camfed Tanzania office is only a 20-minute bajaj ride away. What is wrong with me? To be fair, my first month here I sent out numerous emails to a few agencies hoping to hear some response to my I-want-to-volunteer-and-I'll-do-anything offer. Never heard anything from any of them. Most addresses listed on their websites are P.O. boxes, so, for the most part, I'm not able find an actual office location to just show up at.

Still, the more I think about it, the more it all just sounds like excuses in my mind and a hugely wasted opportunity. I keep trying to believe that what I've done with my time here is exactly what God wanted of me. But I really struggle with that. It's especially inconceivable because I know I am called to international development. My life after Dar will take me into it. I know it. Those are His plans for me, somehow. So that is why it's confusing as to why I wasn't more hands-on with it here, why there weren't more open doors and less red tape. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't think I tried hard enough.

My 2010-2011 time in Dar is almost over. I can't go back or gain more of it. And feeling this way will eventually be detrimental to the overall joy of my memories here. I must remember the bigger picture.

Sisters at William's village, May 2011

Yesterday, like most Saturday mornings since I've been here, I went to William's village. As we drove away in the bajaj, bumping and bouncing like mad along the rough dirt road, I finally realized that I had gotten involved. I had been a part of something that will forever have a place in my heart. I suspect that what I have been filled with from William's village is the equivalent of what I could have would have gained at a nonprofit here. The only difference is I won't have a letterhead to prove it or to express what it was or what I did. What we did.

So I must look at the bigger picture of it all, and to me that is change and sustainability. Improved lives with lasting effects. Perhaps loving on those children week after week wasn't the most grand of sustainable gestures, but showing them that they matter, planting a seed of self-worth and value in them, will hopefully endure even after I am half a world away. Development must start somewhere, I keep telling myself, and I am reminded of this through one of my favorite quotes:

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little." —Edmund Burke

As I wrap up my life here (literally, as I might start packing today), I will keep those faces, those personalities, in my mind. They forever changed me, and I pray one day they will be given the opportunities to shine their brightest and improve their country, a place already filled with so many beautiful and magnificent people.


L

Photo Post: Easter Break in Egypt

My housemate and best gal pal in TZ, Erin, and I went to Cairo, Egypt, for a few days during our Easter Break in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. For two blondes in Africa, Egypt was an adventure to say the least. A fantastic time. 

A few highlights: Re-routed to Yemen (almost Saudi Arabia) because of a missed connector flight, saw breathtaking pyramids and went inside them, rode camels, ate Egyptian food (koshary and fatta, yum!), visited sites where the Holy Family lived, saw the mummy of the Ramses II, enjoyed nightlife on the Nile in a city that practically never sleeps, and made sure to "Enjoy the Revolution," as the wall graffiti asserted in Tahrir Square. (April 21-26, 2011)

Click here for Easter Break in Egypt photos: "Enjoy the Revolution, Part I"

Love,

L

Photo Post: Zanzibar w/ Dave

I ran out of "free" room on Flickr, so I now have another account with Photobucket! Check out my "Zanzibar w/ Dave" album there.


Love,

LG

Photo Post: Bagamoyo, Blood Donation, Rika Tano, Birthday

About a month ago I discovered where I could upload photos! Blogspot and Facebook both don't like my internet connection here, but I won with Flickr, even though I think the site is confusing to navigate.

Anyway, photos are here! Well, some of them. I still have too many for International Day (back in November) and from safari with my family (and now with Dave).

Bookmark my photo gallery at http://www.flickr.com/photos/alifeinspired  :)

Specific Album Links
February 2011: Bagamoyo Trip w/ Erin & Heather

February 2011: Donating Blood in Africa

February 2011: Last Night w/ YoungLife Africa's Rika Tano

March 2011: Birthday in TZ

Enjoy! And drop me a line at ms.gordon@ymail.com :)


Much love,

LG

Just a Great Day

Great things happened today that made it a really good day here in TZ. An especially welcomed event since Dave left yesterday and it could have been long and sad.

A brief list:

• Went to "Swahili church" for the first time. Mbezi Chapel, just a short walk down the road. It was great. Felt God, felt love, even if I didn't understand the sermon. Hooray for understanding some of the songs though!
  
• Opened up a bag of Pepperidge Farm double chocolate milano cookies my grandma and poppy sent with Dave. Sooo tasty.
  
• Spent time with Marie, a friend and former housemate who I always feel blessed to be around.
  
• Enjoyed the breeze in the bajaj during the ride to Sea Cliffe.
  
• Ate celery for the first time in six months!! My favorite vegetable that I thought was non-existent here. Alas, I found it in the chicken salad I ordered at Africafe. DELICIOUS!
  
• Purchased and successfully downloaded Britney Spears' new album "Femme Fatale." Finally figured out the loophole on how to get music here since iTunes hates me: Amazon.com. Yay!
  
• Completely splurged and had not one but two mocha frosties w/ hazelnut.
  
• Heard from Dave via text saying he was in DC ready for the last two legs of his journey home.
  
• Now unwinding with a quiet night at home with power. A good day. No, great day.
  

LG

Less

    I am not less because I am different.
I am not less because my views vary from yours.
I am not less because my experiences are not like yours.
I am not less because my choices are not ones you would make.
    Or have had to make.
        Or will ever make.

    I am not less because I am different.
I am not less because my interests aren’t the same.
I am not less because my words don’t match yours.
I am not less because my path is its own.
    Exposed.
        Diverse.

    I am not less because I am different.
I am not less because I am outspoken.
I am not less because I appreciate dissemblance.
I am not less because of my appearance
    My dress
        And my makeup.

    I am not less because I am different.
I am not less because my beliefs are not symmetrical to yours.
I am not less because my relationships are intimate.
I am not less because I choose to live
    Openly
        And risk to learn.

    I am not less because I am different.
I am not
    Less
        Loved.

LG


This song came to mind just before I started writing.

Artist: Third Day
Album: Wherever You Are
Song: Carry My Cross

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K_Ny_oUtL0

As long as I remember
I've been walking through the wilderness
Praying to the Father
And waiting for my time
I've come here with a mission
And soon I'll give my life for this world

I'm praying in the garden
And I'm looking for a miracle
I find the journey hard but
It's the reason I was born
Can this cup be passed on
Lord, I pray your will be done
In this world

So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain
Yes, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame

I feel like I'm alone here
And I'm treated like a criminal
The time has come for me now
Even though I've done no wrong
Father, please forgive them
They know not what they've done
In this world

Three more days and I'll be coming back again
Three more days and I'll be coming back again 

So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain
Yes, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame 

Oh, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame

Food (period)

We're on day three of 10-12 hour daytime power cuts. I'm not fed up with the no-power so much as I'm over being hungry, devoid of the strength/nourishment food provides because I can't cook anything. It's rough not having a working gas stove, really a basic necessity here, I think. At this point, our electric stove is probably only 25 percent useful. The consecutive day outages make me feel like I'm on a hunger strike I didn't sign up for.

I dream of salad bars, Chili's, Chipotle and, most recently, Apollo Burger (or, day I say, Al's Big Burger). Oh, to have calories in my stomach! Yes, I know there are people just outside my housing compound who are living on rice and beans or practically nothing. I know there are people right here, people I see as I walk outside, who are much hungrier I am. I know this. But it doesn't change the fact that I have a full-time teaching job to do and doing it with minimum nourishment is just not really working out for me. I feel like I can force myself to push through the extreme frustrations of a horrible Internet connection (or none at all). I can deal with the sauna that is my office when we are on generator at school and can’t use the air conditioner. I can get a grip on my workload that is seriously intense and slightly overwhelming right now. But the thing is, when running on a shortage of calories, these aspects of my life are just that much more challenging, when they were trying to begin with.

I am not complaining. These days I’m simply tired, weak, dizzy, unfocused, frazzled, slow. And I’m sharing why. I don’t have anywhere near an appropriate diet needed to overcome these things. Coming here, we all believed I would finally learn to cook because I’d be on my own and living where that’s predominantly the only food choice. (No fast food fixes and any real restaurant is at least 30 minutes away.) It’s March, and I’ve been here almost five and a half months. I have never cooked meat. Not once. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pasta-cooking queen now. Al dente is my special. And, of course, there’s always heating up a frozen chapati (kind of like naan) on the stove. Yet even chapatis have taken a back seat, since they don’t stay frozen in my freezer (thanks, power cuts) and when they’re not totally frozen they don’t cook right. Oh, to have chapati and cheese today. Yum. But I digress. I want to cook so badly here. I know that when I get back to the States, I will be a cooking machine. That’s because I may. I'll be allowed to. With elements refusing to let me cook here, it has only increased my desire to spend time in the kitchen. I bought some chicken breasts two days ago and must cook them today or else they’ll go bad for sure. I finally said “I’ve had it” and bought some meat to cook. Not the first time; the other meat purchases just never made it to pass because they spoiled before I had power available at time when I could cook them. Waste of money, waste of excitement, waste of food.

To be honest, I’m having trouble focusing on finishing this post. Kind of dizzy and should go eat an apple. Or two. Or five. I do have the option of going over to Jen and Heather’s next door to use their gas stove. I’ll try to take them up on that offer today. (Those chicken breasts will not go to waste!) It’s just not the same though, and it’s not all that convenient. I also have the wonderful help of our two house ladies, Esther and Jacki. Unfortunately, their work schedules at our home are on the days we are “scheduled” for daytime power outages. We practically never have power when they are here, so even they can’t cook for us. (One week, however, they did manage to coordinate the use of the oven at another house on the compound that uses a generator. They did it all on their own, and they made pizza for us. They are awesome.)

So I guess I’m looking forward to eating fruit. Lots and lots of fruit this week, as I will give Esther a shopping list on Tuesday for nanasi (pineapple), ndizi (banana) and tikiti maji (watermelon). What else is there to eat when you have no way to cook and everything spoils so fast? Fruit it is, but even that fare can only take me so far.

Laura

Give Love

Since one of my first weekends here, perhaps it was my second, I've been going to a rural area called Mandale that we simply refer to as "William's village" about 35 minutes from my home. William Jacob is a Tanzanian and the head of cleaning at HOPAC. More than that, he is one of the most amazing men I have ever met. His spirit is always joyful, genuine, and thankful, despite many personal hardships. (His wife has miscarried twice and he has had two other children die after just after birth. They continue to hope and pray for a healthy child, and his wife is currently seven months pregnant.) William leads the church in his village, and purposefully chose it's semi-isolated location because it was important for him to reach out to that community.

For the most part, I go to William's village very Saturday morning for a few hours. Marie Christianson, an incredible woman and former housemate, has been helping William run a consistent children's ministry for six months. (I've been involved for four months now.) We play games (relay races!) and do crafts (coloring!) with the kids, who range from itty bitty to teenage. It's awesome to just go and love them every week. Today was especially great because we focused on love in our lives and God's love for us. It was an incredible morning.

As it's two days before Valentine's Day, my TZ bestie Erin Steinhoff had made valentines for the children by cutting hearts out of construction paper and gluing them onto a piece of folded construction paper. Inside each one, she wrote: "[name] Nakupenda! <3, Yesu." In English, "[name] I love you! <3 Jesus." With William translating, the children learned and understood that these were Valentine's Day cards and that they were "from God." They knew to keep them as reminders of His love for us. Marie had prepared photocopied papers that each had an angel with heart-shaped wings. The angel also held a heart in which Marie had written "Upendo kutoka kwa Mungu." Translation: Love comes from God. Above the angel, the verse 1 John 4:7 was written in Kiswahili. The children--all ages--love coloring, and they took much pride using their precious crayons to decorate their heart angel papers.

I'm not a parent, so I admit I can't possibly fully understand what it is like to experience those "first time" moments in the growth of your own child. But today sure came close.

I've fallen in love with a 3-year-old boy named Yahaya, but who I refer to as my "little old man." He never wears a shirt, and his shorts are always a little too big for him. Like almost all the other children around, he doesn't have shoes and runs around the sun-scorched ground barefoot. Somehow, his small, Tanzanian body and posture remind me of Walter Matthau, and his face kind of looks like a grandpa's. When I first met him, about four months ago, he wasn't as big (he has since had a growth spurt!) and was sick for several weeks, as indicated by low energy, a runny nose and sad eyes. Most of our little friends here spoke timidly when they first met us. (There were, of course, some high-energy, go-getters in the group right from the start though.) My little old man was one of the quiet ones.

But today, we reached a milestone. When I walked into the one-room church, he came right up with outstretched arms and spoke to me. For the first time. He spoke to me. I bent down and scooped him up, my jaw gaping but my mouth smiling. I have no idea what he said. I instantly played it over and over in my mind. Words. Some kind of words I could not decipher and probably don't know in Kiswahili yet anyway. By way of grunts or quiet, paired words, my little old man had been laughing and chatting with his older brother (a 13-year-old boy named Ridiwani) for the past few weeks, but today he spoke to me--and in a full sentence. He hadn't even so much as uttered one direct word to me before. Just grins and telling eyes to communicate. Until today. I can only imagine what it must be like for parents to hear their child's first words, for what I experienced this morning was an amazing and unforgettable moment. What a day of love.

xoxo,

Laura



 

Yahaya, my little old man.



Artist: Third Day
Album: Revelations
Song: Give Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjOn5VrrYGc

Whisper softly to me
Share with me your heart
And just ignore the world and what it does
I know that you've been hurting, you've been torn apart
And I pull you close and hold you in my arms

If you give love
I'll return the love and you will see
So much more than you gave away
If you give love
Give it to me

Listen very closely as I sing this song
And please believe that I mean every word
When I say I love you
I mean it with all my heart
Let it be the best thing that you've ever heard
If you give love
I'll return the love and you will see
So much more than you gave away
If you give love
Give it to me

Oh, give it to me
Oh, give it to me

Whisper softly to me
Share with me your heart 

Quotes of the Week 1

I approach the tables of goodies that make up the snackbar at the school's nightime football (soccer) game.
Student 1: Oh, Miss House!
LG: What?
Student 2: [leans over to friend] That's Miss STEINHOFF!
LG: [blank stare]
Student 3: NO you guys! That's MISS GORDON.

hahahahaha I was so amused. I told the third student to find me on Monday and I'd give her a housepoint. LOL

In the bajaj, Erin was on a roll after her Kiswahili lesson of the week.
Erin: [to the driver] Sisi ni walimu hapa. [We are teachers here.]

Later, in another bajaj.
LG: Tell him your line! Say your line to him!
Erin: [to the driver] Sisi ni walimu hapa. [We are teachers here.]


Bajaj driver has had enough of our grammar.
Erin: Unajui?
Driver: [laughs]
Erin: ... unajui ...
Driver: [kinda laughs]
Erin: ... unajui ...
Driver: [sternly] unaJUA
Us: Ohhhhhh

Jen M. walks up with a pretty gift bag.
LG: Ooo, what's in the bag?
Jen: Cheeeeeese!

Totally Backlogged, But Gotta Start Somewhere

Ohhhh do I feel bad about not updating this blog more often. Yikes!! I have good reasons though. Well, OK, fine. Only one good reason that expired almost 20 days ago: My family was here!! SO awesome and SO amazing!! But, let me be honest: As I sit down to write this, I'm coming off of a very disheartening day. For the greater part of the day I have been trying to remind myself of all the numerous blessings God has been providing for me every day. I've been trying to keep those positive thoughts at the forefront of my mind, but I'm still just feeling downright down. Today, two hours before I was scheduled to teach my first journalism course (an elective), I learned it was cancelled because only one student signed up; other students (grade 11-12) signed up for drama, photography, business, etc. It broke my heart. Truly. And, I had just finished putting together an AWESOME intro to journalism PowerPoint on what is media and the role of journalism. I was completely psyched and went from a super high to a super low. Now, as I type, I'm trying to find the balance of somewhere in between again; that good, nay great, place I was in just yesterday.

The best news is my life has been filled with SO MANY things to be thankful for. God is providing and I am SO grateful for His love and grace. I could not be doing any of this without Him. One of the great joys was having my mom, dad and sister come for two weeks over Christmas break. We spent a few days running around Dar, then up to Arusha, next on to safari before returning to Arusha and back home to Dar. A separate post to come on that incredible time!!!

For now, I feel like I should just write what comes to my head. Life feels normal here, so it's hard to pick out exactly what to write about. To me, the following will probably be random thoughts, but for you it will be a good overall of various aspects here, both trivial and not-so-trivial.

I'm eating a lollipop right now. (Score one for trivial!) They are one of my highlights here. It's my last one so gotta go to the store soon. Food here is definitely one of my, well, I wouldn't say challenges, but subjects that make me miss home I guess you could say. Take anything back home in California, take away half the flavor and that's pretty much what everything is like here. I am lucky my family brought me a luggage of goodies, which I'm consuming sparingly because when they're gone, they're gone! I might sound ghetto revealing this, but one of the first places I want to eat when I get home is Sizzler. I miss lettuce soooooooo much and dream of eating salads again!! Oh and those diced ham bits on top! You can occasionally find lettuce here, but it is a real pain to clean it (i.e. prep by soaking in bleach water, etc.) and to be sure it's totally rid of bacteria.

Speaking of bacteria, I have been so lucky (*knock on wood!!*) that I have had pretty darn good health here. I'm always scared to say (or write) such things because I don't want to jinx myself. I will admit that for the past three and a half months I have been holding my breath waiting for something really stressful or extremely challenging to happen. It hasn't. Thanks be to God!! Oh, and can I get an AMEN for dropping a pant size? Hooray! I eat so much less here; smaller portions, less snacking, fresher meals, lots of water. And of course sweating and walking to/from/around school add to it too!

I love our house lady. (No transition there, sorry.) We have two actually. Esther comes three times a week and cleans and bakes bread, and Jacki comes once a week to cook. We've only had Jacki make fruit salad so far, but boy is that an effort. Everything, especially food prep, takes longer here, and fruit especially takes time. I rejoice having these two beautiful, hardworking women in my home. I especially love when I come home to a bed that is made so crisply that someone would think it was ironed. (I only have a tight sheet and a loose sheet for my bedding here; no comforters or duvets--no way!) But more than the perfectly made bed is how adorable it is to see my Stitch doll (a la "Lilo & Stitch") propped up in difference places. Esther and Jacki do an incredible job taking care of my home and I am so thankful. Sometimes items in my bedroom will be moved around and I smile because I think it's entertaining for them to redecorate and see all the different ways the can style the room. Just the other day when I came home from school, I entered and said "hodiii" (may I enter) and Esther, in a happy and high-pitched voice, sang from the kitchen "karibuuu!" (welcome) They are great women.

The heat has not been bad except for the last week of December/first week fo January. I think it was because Arusha was cold (i.e. 70 degrees) and my body wasn't into getting thrown back into the high temperatures and humidity. I actually don't notice how humid it is until, like the other night, I realize my body is so drenched I literally have to take out a towel and dry myself off. That was the other evening when I was getting ready to go out. I don't use the air conditioner in my bedroom. Never had A/C at home, so I don't totally know what I'm missing. Plus, I always wanted a ceiling fan and using that lets me keep my two sets of windows open so I can enjoy the view from my room. But, I definitely notice (and struggle with) the heat when the power goes out at school. We don't use the air conditioners when we are getting power from the generator, so when I'm in my office (sans fan), I sit there and just soak in my own sweat. Lesson planning is impossible and grading is totally out of the question. I just cannot think straight! However, when Heather (the grade 6-8 English teacher) isn't teaching in our English classroom, I can move my office work in there because the ceiling fans are rockin'. I also get hot when I walk home from school and the sun is blazing down on me. TZ is like 11 degrees south of the equator or something, so the sun's strength is major. Shade is awesome here! Oh, and cloud cover!! I love mornings when I walk to school in the "shade" because the sun is hiding behind the big ol' clouds.

God has been good in answering prayers. One of my goals for the new year (no "resolutions" this year, just "goals") was to enjoy my classes more. Not that I wasn't enjoying them; I was. I just knew that I could really appreciate my lessons, teaching and students more. And I have been. The month is half over and every class period I have ended with a smile on my face. I feel like my students are learning more, too, so that is very rewarding. I am planning on starting a creative writing club and eventually publish a student literary journal, complete with a "book launch" affair that will be a collaboration between the English, art and music departments. Kind of like a night of the arts! Also want to do a speech and debate club.

However, time is working against me. Term 2 and term 3 go so fast. In fact, between April 1 and May 6, I only have 12 teaching days with my students in grades 10-12 (due to Service Emphasis Week and spring break). May 6 is their last day at school before the go on home study leave for end-of-the-year examinations. I will be teaching my grade 9 until the last day of school, June 17. The next six months are going to fly by, and I already feel like the last day of school will get here and I will be saying "it's all over?!?!?!" I had actually been dreading my family leaving because then it would leave a six-month abyss before me. However, God had other plans and I am doing great and receiving amazing news every day. In fact, Dave is coming to see me!! He leaves San Diego on my birthday (March 24 for those of you playing along at home) and arrives in Dar two days later on Erin's (my roomie's) birthday! Just in time for the parrrtayyy! Haha He is staying an incredible two weeks and I thank God for this opportunity for him and for me and for us.

I am happy here, to say the least. I give every day up to God and He gives me the strength and the patience and the ability to carry on. Not just carry on, but to live. A life here is not easy, and I by no means mean to make is appear so. However, with constant thankfulness I am able to enjoy this Tanzanian life and feel like I belong. Life is normal, and I love it.

L